I had the thought today,
"Is this what life is?"
And yesterday, when contemplating giving up Saturday night to my parents,
"Don't walk away from people who want to love and celebrate you."
I am malnourished
The net beneath me is weak
And I am ever staying out of the way,
Or being put off to the side.
I had answers, once
Now I seem to be asking question after question
And what good are questions on their own?
There's nothing to be done about it tonight.
I feel quiet
I am still
With dry and tired eyes
And a stomach that noisily insists:
"Ice cream is not dinner."
Friday, July 31, 2015
Monday, July 27, 2015
Tonight was a little weird, a little bit dull, ultimately not a disaster
Hadn't played those songs in weeks; guess, as much as I ever will, I've got that book mastered
Though the same old struggles, always- drums slower, brass faster
Do you see what it is that I'm getting after?
Oh, I don't even know. I'm bored with this band.
(Band, what rhymes with band?... sand... hand.. manned... bland...
I have a headache. Goodnight, jeffbugs.)
Hadn't played those songs in weeks; guess, as much as I ever will, I've got that book mastered
Though the same old struggles, always- drums slower, brass faster
Do you see what it is that I'm getting after?
Oh, I don't even know. I'm bored with this band.
(Band, what rhymes with band?... sand... hand.. manned... bland...
I have a headache. Goodnight, jeffbugs.)
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Alan and Alan And The Domestic Issue
Accolades for Alan and Alan And The Domestic Issue:
"I had no idea that Alan was a monster. Chilling."
"Sent a shiver up my spine."
My Happy Thoughts
A mind that's free,
Just being me.
The reality that you can't disengage, retreat
Revelation, transformation
Familiar smells and sensations
Evening walks spent making plans and prose
Holding too much in my head all at once as the creative mechanism that is strung between my brain and my heart buzzes and whirs actively
Black-eyed susans and soft grasses
Bike passes
A group of strangers amasses to watch a duck and her ducklings glide around the pond
It's taken me long enough to choose this path, to explore this way instead of that
Guess I saved it for the perfect night, when that bunny and her little one would be sitting just there
Didn't run off as I approached, weren't scared
Smiling on impulse when no one's around to see
Nearing home, confidently knowing that you've grown-
I grew today.
Summer's not over,
In fact, it's in full-swing
Heat and gentle coolness, but even when Autumn comes
Parades and festivals, the delicate crush of leaves underfoot, the comfort of a light jacket, of crispness, of clearness, and of course
Flights to distant places
To see beloved faces
The promise of something new coming soon
Just being me.
The reality that you can't disengage, retreat
Revelation, transformation
Familiar smells and sensations
Evening walks spent making plans and prose
Holding too much in my head all at once as the creative mechanism that is strung between my brain and my heart buzzes and whirs actively
Black-eyed susans and soft grasses
Bike passes
A group of strangers amasses to watch a duck and her ducklings glide around the pond
It's taken me long enough to choose this path, to explore this way instead of that
Guess I saved it for the perfect night, when that bunny and her little one would be sitting just there
Didn't run off as I approached, weren't scared
Smiling on impulse when no one's around to see
Nearing home, confidently knowing that you've grown-
I grew today.
Summer's not over,
In fact, it's in full-swing
Heat and gentle coolness, but even when Autumn comes
Parades and festivals, the delicate crush of leaves underfoot, the comfort of a light jacket, of crispness, of clearness, and of course
Flights to distant places
To see beloved faces
The promise of something new coming soon
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
See, I know just how far I have to go (somewhere between really far and infinity)
I hear more or less what I sound like
I pay attention to the quality of what I'm putting out into the world
But I'm telling you that when I take the stage-
Or the street, or the sidewalk-
...I don't know, it's like I was meant for this stuff.
If only I'd started sooner...
But those thoughts are useless, because without him, there'd have been no me
At least not the me that I am now
And the me who isn't the me that I am now, well... she's not really me at all.
And if it was truly necessary to find him after 27 years of life had passed
Then it was well worth the wait
God! Take me back to that day when sweat and glitter that was not my own covered me
When we were nose-to-nose, strangers with squinting eyes and cheeks tight with intensity, as he screamed into my face and the afternoon sun-
He was saying, Come Follow Me.
My life veered sharply off its course. Captivated, I was captured.
For all the self-deprecating drivel that dribbles out of my mouth on impulse
My sense of pride is fierce, my sense of purpose firm, my heart swells with passion and self-belief
I don't think of him so often anymore,
But when I do, I love him again for a moment
My eyes close, my fingers fly uncharacteristically over the valves, and melodies ricochet off walls of surrounding buildings
The people around me look at me, betraying for a moment with their faces just how surprised they are that I have these songs within myself
As for me, I'm certain that I can do anything with a trumpet in my hands
If not now, someday.
I hear more or less what I sound like
I pay attention to the quality of what I'm putting out into the world
But I'm telling you that when I take the stage-
Or the street, or the sidewalk-
...I don't know, it's like I was meant for this stuff.
If only I'd started sooner...
But those thoughts are useless, because without him, there'd have been no me
At least not the me that I am now
And the me who isn't the me that I am now, well... she's not really me at all.
And if it was truly necessary to find him after 27 years of life had passed
Then it was well worth the wait
God! Take me back to that day when sweat and glitter that was not my own covered me
When we were nose-to-nose, strangers with squinting eyes and cheeks tight with intensity, as he screamed into my face and the afternoon sun-
He was saying, Come Follow Me.
My life veered sharply off its course. Captivated, I was captured.
For all the self-deprecating drivel that dribbles out of my mouth on impulse
My sense of pride is fierce, my sense of purpose firm, my heart swells with passion and self-belief
I don't think of him so often anymore,
But when I do, I love him again for a moment
My eyes close, my fingers fly uncharacteristically over the valves, and melodies ricochet off walls of surrounding buildings
The people around me look at me, betraying for a moment with their faces just how surprised they are that I have these songs within myself
As for me, I'm certain that I can do anything with a trumpet in my hands
If not now, someday.
My Happy Thoughts
Doing good work, and seeing the payoff;
Berries, and berries, upon berries and berries.
People who are far away,
Still know my name
Love me the same;
When I think I look beautiful,
When I think I've done well;
Easiness and awkwardness and on top of this a past
That makes something that is less than what it was still worth holding onto.
A new delicate necklace;
And how I'll never forget this
longing though it's reckless
for people and places and things, my checklist
Of passion, of experiences
Think of anything, anyone on it, my heart tenses
I miss her like I knew I should've done all this time
She taught me about freedom.
Cowboy songs, he sings unexpectedly like my Grandpa used to;
The talents of my friends, the way living eventually must end
Motivates me not to pretend that I'll be here, as I am, forever
Rhymes and rhythm together
Feeling silly and mildly clever;
These stars, my stars, on my shoes, and the ones over my bed
Hang across the world above her head, too;
Not knowing exactly what's next, what to do
Overuse of the word "coo'"; Marco, my boo
Friendships that are brand new,
#9, #10, #11,
Blue.
Berries, and berries, upon berries and berries.
People who are far away,
Still know my name
Love me the same;
When I think I look beautiful,
When I think I've done well;
Easiness and awkwardness and on top of this a past
That makes something that is less than what it was still worth holding onto.
A new delicate necklace;
And how I'll never forget this
longing though it's reckless
for people and places and things, my checklist
Of passion, of experiences
Think of anything, anyone on it, my heart tenses
I miss her like I knew I should've done all this time
She taught me about freedom.
Cowboy songs, he sings unexpectedly like my Grandpa used to;
The talents of my friends, the way living eventually must end
Motivates me not to pretend that I'll be here, as I am, forever
Rhymes and rhythm together
Feeling silly and mildly clever;
These stars, my stars, on my shoes, and the ones over my bed
Hang across the world above her head, too;
Not knowing exactly what's next, what to do
Overuse of the word "coo'"; Marco, my boo
Friendships that are brand new,
#9, #10, #11,
Blue.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Music is healing me
These notes are saving me
This moment is the highlight in a week of cavernous valleys- rays of sun peek playfully at me over the top of an ominous and looming mountain
I've lost five pounds in the last seven days, none of them shed in the name of health
I'll gain them back when I start eating again. Funny how some struggles come around and around, no matter how I grow, no matter how I increase my awareness of my own special recipe for self-destruction
But right now, for the first time in days, I don't feel weak
Headphones hug my ears, my feet slide across the weathered wood floor
Trumpet in hand, I alternate between dancing and trying to reach the pace at which these musical legends groove to.
What about this song- this song in particular- affects me in this way?
It always has (who's to say if it always will)
Heart pulses in time with that tuba,
Butt and back, calf and hamstring muscles contract and relax minutely, keeping my entire self in time to the life of this song as I sit perched on my bed,
Shoulders automatically shimmy slowly, head bumps forward slightly on the one and the three
And I genuinely care nothing about any of the sickening things that have poked at my brain and my heart all week long
I've no choice but to put this song on repeat
I've found a sanctuary
This is rest
This is my blanket fort <3
These notes are saving me
This moment is the highlight in a week of cavernous valleys- rays of sun peek playfully at me over the top of an ominous and looming mountain
I've lost five pounds in the last seven days, none of them shed in the name of health
I'll gain them back when I start eating again. Funny how some struggles come around and around, no matter how I grow, no matter how I increase my awareness of my own special recipe for self-destruction
But right now, for the first time in days, I don't feel weak
Headphones hug my ears, my feet slide across the weathered wood floor
Trumpet in hand, I alternate between dancing and trying to reach the pace at which these musical legends groove to.
What about this song- this song in particular- affects me in this way?
It always has (who's to say if it always will)
Heart pulses in time with that tuba,
Butt and back, calf and hamstring muscles contract and relax minutely, keeping my entire self in time to the life of this song as I sit perched on my bed,
Shoulders automatically shimmy slowly, head bumps forward slightly on the one and the three
And I genuinely care nothing about any of the sickening things that have poked at my brain and my heart all week long
I've no choice but to put this song on repeat
I've found a sanctuary
This is rest
This is my blanket fort <3
Monday, July 6, 2015
My Happy Thoughts
The smell of grass, intoxicating, blanketing, smile-inducing;
Freshness in taste and sound and smell, all sorts;
A toddler chewing on her stuffed bear's tag;
Robin Hood, Peter Pan, Calvin, Hobbes, The Doctor;
Watching him move after wishing for so long that he'd feel free to;
A boop on the nose;
Pushing buttons, blueberry lemon muffins;
Experiencing others experiencing something I've made;
Spontaneity and sunshine, lightness, her laughter,
Candles and Candy and cricket-song,
Dragons and his swagger,
Pink and black, gold and glitter;
Simplicity, and empathy, catastrophes that aren't too destructive, provide perspective
(like when I drop Goldfish on the kitchen floor);
Cats that play, the present, today,
Unique nicknames,
When he chooses to stay;
The city when it's dark, Roman water fountains and parks;
Valves and slides, coops and hives, cartoon asides,
People who love me and want to be in my life
People who love me and allow me into their lives
Barriers to intimacy that don't thrive, are undermined;
Stars in your eyes, Fenway at night, intelligent, bright,
When a solo goes right,
The well of love I have inside;
Naked arms, naked shoulders, kiss of the breeze, warmth after dark;
The safety of this place, the liberties that I take, the way that Summer tastes,
Faces that he makes.
Freshness in taste and sound and smell, all sorts;
A toddler chewing on her stuffed bear's tag;
Robin Hood, Peter Pan, Calvin, Hobbes, The Doctor;
Watching him move after wishing for so long that he'd feel free to;
A boop on the nose;
Pushing buttons, blueberry lemon muffins;
Experiencing others experiencing something I've made;
Spontaneity and sunshine, lightness, her laughter,
Candles and Candy and cricket-song,
Dragons and his swagger,
Pink and black, gold and glitter;
Simplicity, and empathy, catastrophes that aren't too destructive, provide perspective
(like when I drop Goldfish on the kitchen floor);
Cats that play, the present, today,
Unique nicknames,
When he chooses to stay;
The city when it's dark, Roman water fountains and parks;
Valves and slides, coops and hives, cartoon asides,
People who love me and want to be in my life
People who love me and allow me into their lives
Barriers to intimacy that don't thrive, are undermined;
Stars in your eyes, Fenway at night, intelligent, bright,
When a solo goes right,
The well of love I have inside;
Naked arms, naked shoulders, kiss of the breeze, warmth after dark;
The safety of this place, the liberties that I take, the way that Summer tastes,
Faces that he makes.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Living is hard and good!
I think to myself as I sit in this anguish.
I should write about it.
Before long, my heart is still. An impish mound of black and white laziness sprawls at my feet.
I no longer hear cars passing by outside, and everyone in this house is surely asleep.
It's 2AM, and work approaches.
But I've created something new. There's hope, even though I'm stuck standing still right now.
I think to myself as I sit in this anguish.
I should write about it.
Before long, my heart is still. An impish mound of black and white laziness sprawls at my feet.
I no longer hear cars passing by outside, and everyone in this house is surely asleep.
It's 2AM, and work approaches.
But I've created something new. There's hope, even though I'm stuck standing still right now.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)